One of the many beautiful songs produced by Andy Hull in his side project Right Away, Great Captain! Don’t know it? Give it a listen.
You hate someone whom you really wish to love, and be loved in return. Perhaps it is the other who is preventing such love to occur so easily, by disguising and disorienting the image of what love really is. Or should be.
This is a beat that I made for mine & Anastasia’s new song x)
It makes me sick.
This bullshit. Don’t say something you don’t fucking mean. And don’t say you’ll do something that you know you’ll never end up doing. Don’t get someone’s hopes up because disappointment is one of the most painful feelings in the world. I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t fucking understand all of this sadness. It’s becoming all that I am. It’s absorbing me. It’s drowning me. I can barely breathe anymore. I look into the mirror and all I see is pain filling my eyes. Every night I cry myself to sleep, and that sleep lasts about 3 hours. And when I wake up, I wish I hadn’t. I just want to be numb and emotionless. My heart is a huge part of who I am and I’m starting to feel as if that’s a bad thing. I can’t take the hurt. Or the letdowns. Everything I once knew is shattering around me and all I can do is sit here and watch helplessly. I wonder how much more I can take. My guess is not much longer.
Midnight Breakdown;
Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I don’t give a fuck. I want to stop most of the time. I feel more lost than ever and I feel like I’ll never find my place. It breaks my heart knowing that things fall into place for some, but not for everyone. What if I’m not one of those people? I just want things to work out. Why do I feel as if nothing will? I need a miracle. I need an epiphany. I need something to give me faith and hope. I’ve lost god, I’ve lost ambition to do the things that I love. Everyone around me is packing up and moving away. I see them leaving. I feel them drifting. I wonder things have to be this way, why is this has become a chapter of life. College. Who decided to make these standards that every single person has to conform to? ’The American Dream’ is a fucking lie. A guideline. A made up milestone. Who said you need to do this or you become a failure in life? You get looked down upon. I don’t get it. I guess I never will. I never believed this bullshit, a college degree doesn’t buy you happiness, it buys you acceptance. That’s the fucking American Dream. It’s what we’ve been taught. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really great to make goals and become successful, but think about it. These colleges that are somewhat decent charge us up to 65,000$ A FUCKING YEAR. It puts our families or ourselves in debt for years. It disgusts me. It makes my head spin, more than usual (and that’s a lot). Maybe I should stop ranting now. Maybe I’ll never understand. Maybe I’m not meant to. Point is, people should do what makes them happy and hope that everything will turn out okay, not feel obligated and trapped to follow the milestones that society has put down for us. And as long as you accept yourself, you will find happiness. All I know is that I want my heart to find rest and safety. But I wonder if that will ever happen for me. I’m scared. I’m lost. I’m trapped. I just want to belong somewhere. But for now, I’m stuck here wondering what my outcome will be. I can’t pray for guidance. I can’t pray for happiness. He, she, it, left my side a long time ago. So I’m walking alone once again. What else is new? Wish me luck.
It’s been over a year now
since I’ve used this thing. Thanks to Taylor, cause she reminded me that I had one. Hahah! I’ll write later tonight.
